Hot, Massive Fail

I told you that this blog inspo came from the hot sauce subscription my secret Hanukkah Harry gifted me in 2019. Well, it never came. And no, I never followed up with the company after noticing it had been a particularly long wait period for the first shipment. And no, I felt too embarrassed that I waited so long to say anything to the person who gifted it to me. And then 2020 happened….which, yeah, you know. So, alas, no hot sauce.

But I am here to inform you that I have ordered my own hot sauce subscription! To a hot and spicy 2021 and dare I say…hot girl summer? Stay tuned.

Frank’s Red Hot Wings (buffalo style)

I’ll be brief and I’ll be frank (heh).

While waiting for my hot sauces to arrive I’d like to give a shoutout to Franks Buffalo Wings sauce. It’s a shame that buffalo sauce is often only associated with chicken wings. It’s literally the only good thing about the chicken wing.

I put this on anything that needs some help or that would benefit from a little tangy zing! One of my favorite things to smother dip in this is the Trader Joes tuna wrap. Give it a try. Put a bottle in your fridge and be amazed at how quickly it disappears. Buffalo chicken lettuce wraps anyone?

I know this might be pushing the true hot sauce category boundary, but I couldn’t help but give it a holler.

Flavor: 5
Spiciness: 3
Overall: 4

Secret Aardvark….shhh

I ordered this Aardvark Habeñero hot sauce by simply searching for highly rated hot sauces on Amazon. With over 1200 reviews and 4.5 stars I had a lot of faith. And sure enough it was pretty good. Keep in mind it classifies itself as a Caribbean/Tex-Mex hybrid so I expected there to be some sweetness. It’s too sweet for me to put on say Mexican food, but I could appreciate it on something like a chicken rice bowl that I imagine has some lime or pineapple thrown in the mix. Maybe that’s the Caribbean part of the hybrid coming out and talking to me. I don’t consider this a catch-all hot sauce (like my beloved Cholula) because I think the sweetness and flavor would clash with some foods. It does lend itself well to any meat that you can imagine in some sort of a sweet marinade. Maybe I’m an outlier because my opinion does not align with several of the 1200 reviewers that claim they go through a bottle a week or put this stuff on everything. But that’s what I have to say.

Flavor: 3
Spiciness: 3
Overall: 3

Minimally Spicy

This year I’m trying to minimize my life and cause less clutter around me. (I know, I’m so on trend) For Hanukkah and Christmas this year my husband and I tried to give gifts that fell into the “Usable & Consumable” category. Experiences or consumable goods that brought more “in-the-moment” joy and less “oh that’s so cool! Once the initial excitement has worn off it’ll sit in the corner and never see the light of day again!”

One of the highlights for me was a hot sauce subscription. I get two bottles quarterly for a year. I’m stoked because:

  • A. I smother everything I eat in hot sauce and have tried to expand my hot sauce palette and collection for some time now.
  • B. In terms of being “usable & consumable” it’s on point.

To hold me over while the first shipment arrives I was gifted two bottles in the Siete hot sauce line, Chipotle and Habeñero. I’d seen these brands before but had never took the plunge.

First up, Siete Habeñero, obviously. The first thing that jumped out at me about this hot sauce was the texture. It’s a creamy, thick sauce that isn’t as viscous as most other hot sauces. At first taste I was pleasantly surprised. I love when a hot sauce has a good kick that doesn’t overpower the flavor. The more I tasted it the more “healthy” it tasted so no surprise when I swiveled the bottle to read the ingredients. Water, apple cider vinegar, golden beets, carrots, dates, sea salt….to name the first few ingredients. Very natural. I also see it is a “Whole 30” approved hot sauce if you’re into that. I would consider putting this sauce on something like a rice bowl or salad with your choice of protein (mine is usually shrimp or tofu). Essentially substituting any dressing with this sauce. One issue I have with this one is that it doesn’t seem to age well. Once open, it didn’t seem to age well in the fridge. I started picturing all the veggies I’ve let wilt and rot in the back of my crisper drawer. Perhaps that guilt is what gave me hints of not so fresh produce the next few times I tried it. So, use it quickly!

Siete Habañero
Flavor score: 2
Spiciness level: 3
Overall: 2

Next up: Siete Chipotle. I’ll start with the fact that it’s normally rare for me to find a chipotle I love. Sometimes the smokiness is overpowering and sometimes it’s too sweet. I do like smoked flavors but don’t enjoy the smokey-sweet pairing that a lot of chipotle sauces offer. A mild smokiness and a minimal level of sweetness is optimal.

Siete Chipotle
Flavor score: 2 (a little too sweet for me)
Spiciness level: 2
Overall: 2

Baseline Spicy

Now I don’t want to waste any hot sauce lover’s time here so I want to give you the low-down on the type of spicy I like.

I’m the person that, if I know the person well enough when they have me for dinner, I’ll ask for hot sauce to smother their perfectly good, delicious meal with. I don’t want to offend of course, so if we aren’t tight or I know it’s not appropriate, I won’t ask for it. But I’m always thinking about which hot sauce would complement the meal. As a baseline, I would put Cholula on almost anything and be happy. It’s not the spiciest but is often a common household item that has a decent enough flavor to usually not offend most types of food. I like Sriracha in very specific scenarios, on certain Asian cuisines and rice bowls, but not on much else. (I could never get on the sriracha on pizza or mac & cheese train. Nope, never.) I can usually tell if I’m going to like a fresh salsa just by looking at it (no pale tomatoes, giant chunks of onion, or sweet marinara looking cytoplasm please). I love green hot sauces and salsa. Green tomatillo sauces are the first ones I grab at a Mexican food stand. OveralI I like a solid vinegar base balanced by flavor, a decent level of spiciness that doesn’t overpower flavor, and minimal sweetness.

Rating Scale
I rate hot sauce on a scale from 1-5 in two categories, heat and flavor.
I then give an overall rating. *Note this overall rating is not an average. It is a reflection of how much I like the hot sauce. (ie. While a hot sauce may score high in heat, I might not like that level of heat with that particular flavor. Therefore the overall rating may be lower than the average.)

    Hello.

    I am not into spicy foods. Big Red chewing gum is even too ‘hot’ for me.

    Ainsley Earhardt

    I can already tell 2020 is going to be spicy one. People are #woke, the fight for the hottest piece of real estate at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave is getting real, scrunchies are somehow making a come back, and who would have thought Baby Yoda would be a hit. Since it’s going to be so spicy I declare it the year of the hot sauce. So yes this is going to be a blog about hot sauce.